I missed...

I missed those days when we are not couple, we used to chat in msn. I missed those time that we has so much to chat about. But now, it seems like we don't have a topic for a simple chat.

I has been understanding enough that he is busy with his work. I do not demand for his full time attention on me either. I just want him to spend a little time to think what has gone wrong between us. I just want him to think what could be done to spice up the relationship.

The most sadness thing happened is that he made decision to go Angkor Wat with his friends without discuss with me before decision is made. Maybe this is not a big deal for him, but to me, it is. I had planned to go angkor wat with him. I had planned on roughly on the schedule on the trip though I not sure when we will be going there. I thought that we could explore the angkor wat together for the first time.

I missed the time he purposely to have dinner with me after work. I missed the time he purposely come to my office to send me home. I missed that he gave me flower when I throw temper on him for no reason. I missed the time he listen to me when I am unhappy. I missed the time he hold my hand. I missed the time he came to my house to watch movie and drama.

~*A Sad Saturday Night*~

I'm sad. Since I gained weight, I am not happy at all. I had lost self confident. I felt that people doesn't like me cause I don't have pretty appearance and I don't have the skinny type of body.

I am too sad to show my unhappiness to others. Maybe this is what I had trained myself to hide my unhappiness in front of people. I not sure whether I am truly happy when the time I am with my colleague on job. I seems to laugh a lot and sometimes joke with them too. The question comes again, am I truly happy? And again, I'm not certain with my answer.

I not sure if this become the problem in my relationship. Since I back from Cambodia, I felt something that make me feel uneasy. When I am away to Cambodia, my bf seems to be free to have his own activities with friends. When I am back to Malaysia, he seems like pretty busy with work. I am not suspecting him, but I just felt uneasy. I understand that the timing problem in between us long ago, but sometimes I just couldn't take it. I'm fine if both of us are busy with work. I also don't mind if he has outing with friend while I'm busy as I don't need to worry he is bored. I also being understanding when he is busy while I'm pretty free at home.

Actually, there is much more to sad about. I not sure how far he can go with me. When he was away to Romania, I could stay up late to wait for him online. I could even wake up early just to catch a chat with him. Though my hard work has failed but at least I did it.

When I was away to Cambodia, we were only 1 hour difference. I knew he will sleep early around 11pm to 12am. I tried my best to catch some chat with him but most of them I failed to appear online before he sleep. In my thought, why he couldn't do the same like what I had did for him? Then I think again, he is tired with his work. I am trying to be understanding but when I think again, am I not being tired in my work?

I understand that in a relationship, we are not suppose to compare who has given more and who has given less. I don't mind being the one who is always giving. All I want is his notification on my doing. I just want him to know how far I willing to give.

~*Lazy me lead to FATTY me*~

It has been a month I did not update my blog. Am I too busy to blog? No! I have the blogging time but I just got nothing to blog about. I still remember the old days I love to post some pictures and blog about the happening things around me.

Since I start working, my life seems like filled with a word - WORK. These days, I felt something uneasy and I felt unhappy in myself. I do not know why and I don't even able to tell the reason why I am unhappy.

But I clearly knew that there is something that hold me back from happiness. I had been gaining weight since I work. I am trying to loose weight day by day hoping there is a day I will become healthy and look nice.

I tried to diet with taking supplements (damn expensive!!) and without taking rice and flour. The result is good which I really loosed weight in just one week. This sounds amazing, right? But once I stop taking the supplements, and start to have rice and flour, I gain my weight. I am not only gain back what I had loosed but seems like double of it.

I felt myself filled with low self esteem and doesn't really love to see myself at the mirror. I am horrified to get myself stand on the weighing machine. Now I am not only facing the problem on my arms, tummy, tights but also face. I felt that I look no longer young like I had before. I can't make kawaii face when take pictures.

I doesn't know what I can do to make myself have the will to go for exercise. Maybe you all will think that I am lazy to do exercise. The answer is NO! I need a companian to do exercise with me. I am not talking about exercise at gym but at the park which doesn't need to pay a cent. Yes, I am in a budget for everything which I don't have the excess money for gym.

I know I need to control my diet. I tried to eat lesser rice and flour and taking more fruits and water. This happen to me when I am having buffet lunch at hotel. Back in Malaysia, I need to buy fruits and boil water which everything takes time and effort to do it. Yes, this sounds lazy to you. Okay, all I want is support. I am not talking bout mental support but physical support like get the fruits for me or when I do groceries, remind me to buy fruits.

I am just too upset to continue.