It's a bad thing!

I knew it's bad when I start blogging.

I used to blog cause no one to talk to.
I used to blog cause no one to share my sadness.
I used to blog to spare my time.
I used to blog to tell my voices from the heart.

I'm sad. I'm real sad.
Though I'm promoted to a higher level in my job, but I still feel sad.
I like my job? I'm doubt of it.
I like my promotion? I don't feel happy bout it.

All I felt was guilty and sadness.
I paid attention to my job, I seems to be avoidance to my love one.
I paid attention to my love one, I seems to be lay back in my job.
The biggest sadness is I can't plan on my love one birthday.
I don't have the time to buy gift. I don't have the time to plan for his birthday.
I don't like all these happen to me.. But.. how?

I want to resign from my job, but what I will work for in future?
I want a break to get away from my job, but when I can have it?

I'm so sick of myself!

Blog Again?

It has been some time I did not log in for blogging. I'm thinking to blog again but I prefer abother way of noting down my life in book (diary).

The feeling is complicated as I would like to publish my words in the internet but on the other hand, I got some other idea of writting down them in a book and attach with photo.

I has too many things to think about and to do. I need a change in my life and I just doesn't know when and how to do it. I'm just feeling lost.

There has been time I'm unhappy with myself. No one knew it and no one understand it. I got everything and why am I still unhappy about?

I'm thinking that my current job doesn't fit me. I felt that I just feel ashame of myself that I know nothing bout my job. I know what am I doing but it seems like I don't qualify to be there. All these while, I never have such thought that I'm not qualify to be a senior until I was given a chance to lead a team of people.

Another thing that pressuring me is my love life. Seeing my friends getting married is not a good thing to me. I envy that they are getting marry. I'm in a relationship for two years and I feel that it's time to move on to another stage. But, this is not an issue of myself only, it involve both party. I really don't have a clue bout his marriage intention.

I need to do something to regain my self esteem, but how?

I missed...

I missed those days when we are not couple, we used to chat in msn. I missed those time that we has so much to chat about. But now, it seems like we don't have a topic for a simple chat.

I has been understanding enough that he is busy with his work. I do not demand for his full time attention on me either. I just want him to spend a little time to think what has gone wrong between us. I just want him to think what could be done to spice up the relationship.

The most sadness thing happened is that he made decision to go Angkor Wat with his friends without discuss with me before decision is made. Maybe this is not a big deal for him, but to me, it is. I had planned to go angkor wat with him. I had planned on roughly on the schedule on the trip though I not sure when we will be going there. I thought that we could explore the angkor wat together for the first time.

I missed the time he purposely to have dinner with me after work. I missed the time he purposely come to my office to send me home. I missed that he gave me flower when I throw temper on him for no reason. I missed the time he listen to me when I am unhappy. I missed the time he hold my hand. I missed the time he came to my house to watch movie and drama.