~*A Sad Saturday Night*~

I'm sad. Since I gained weight, I am not happy at all. I had lost self confident. I felt that people doesn't like me cause I don't have pretty appearance and I don't have the skinny type of body.

I am too sad to show my unhappiness to others. Maybe this is what I had trained myself to hide my unhappiness in front of people. I not sure whether I am truly happy when the time I am with my colleague on job. I seems to laugh a lot and sometimes joke with them too. The question comes again, am I truly happy? And again, I'm not certain with my answer.

I not sure if this become the problem in my relationship. Since I back from Cambodia, I felt something that make me feel uneasy. When I am away to Cambodia, my bf seems to be free to have his own activities with friends. When I am back to Malaysia, he seems like pretty busy with work. I am not suspecting him, but I just felt uneasy. I understand that the timing problem in between us long ago, but sometimes I just couldn't take it. I'm fine if both of us are busy with work. I also don't mind if he has outing with friend while I'm busy as I don't need to worry he is bored. I also being understanding when he is busy while I'm pretty free at home.

Actually, there is much more to sad about. I not sure how far he can go with me. When he was away to Romania, I could stay up late to wait for him online. I could even wake up early just to catch a chat with him. Though my hard work has failed but at least I did it.

When I was away to Cambodia, we were only 1 hour difference. I knew he will sleep early around 11pm to 12am. I tried my best to catch some chat with him but most of them I failed to appear online before he sleep. In my thought, why he couldn't do the same like what I had did for him? Then I think again, he is tired with his work. I am trying to be understanding but when I think again, am I not being tired in my work?

I understand that in a relationship, we are not suppose to compare who has given more and who has given less. I don't mind being the one who is always giving. All I want is his notification on my doing. I just want him to know how far I willing to give.

~*Lazy me lead to FATTY me*~

It has been a month I did not update my blog. Am I too busy to blog? No! I have the blogging time but I just got nothing to blog about. I still remember the old days I love to post some pictures and blog about the happening things around me.

Since I start working, my life seems like filled with a word - WORK. These days, I felt something uneasy and I felt unhappy in myself. I do not know why and I don't even able to tell the reason why I am unhappy.

But I clearly knew that there is something that hold me back from happiness. I had been gaining weight since I work. I am trying to loose weight day by day hoping there is a day I will become healthy and look nice.

I tried to diet with taking supplements (damn expensive!!) and without taking rice and flour. The result is good which I really loosed weight in just one week. This sounds amazing, right? But once I stop taking the supplements, and start to have rice and flour, I gain my weight. I am not only gain back what I had loosed but seems like double of it.

I felt myself filled with low self esteem and doesn't really love to see myself at the mirror. I am horrified to get myself stand on the weighing machine. Now I am not only facing the problem on my arms, tummy, tights but also face. I felt that I look no longer young like I had before. I can't make kawaii face when take pictures.

I doesn't know what I can do to make myself have the will to go for exercise. Maybe you all will think that I am lazy to do exercise. The answer is NO! I need a companian to do exercise with me. I am not talking about exercise at gym but at the park which doesn't need to pay a cent. Yes, I am in a budget for everything which I don't have the excess money for gym.

I know I need to control my diet. I tried to eat lesser rice and flour and taking more fruits and water. This happen to me when I am having buffet lunch at hotel. Back in Malaysia, I need to buy fruits and boil water which everything takes time and effort to do it. Yes, this sounds lazy to you. Okay, all I want is support. I am not talking bout mental support but physical support like get the fruits for me or when I do groceries, remind me to buy fruits.

I am just too upset to continue.

~*不安的夜晚*~

最近，有一种不安的感觉。

自上星期三开始，我觉得很不安心。从来，他不曾那么的温柔说电话。他也不曾那么的关心别人。星期三晚上，他约我吃晚餐。在等待食物的时候，他打了一通电话，相信是他的同事。他已很温柔并关心的语气问候对方为何没有约他和其他同事吃饭，然后也以很温柔的语气和对方说迟些往商谈。

我就是觉得很奇怪，因为他不曾那么的温柔和他的同事说电话。我懂，或许我想得太多。可是我很想知道那位同事到底是谁。为何他会那么的关心他？我懂，我想得太多了。可是，我真的很害怕他会离开我。我并不是不相信他，而是我对类似情况有恐惧感。