I missed...

I missed those days when we are not couple, we used to chat in msn. I missed those time that we has so much to chat about. But now, it seems like we don't have a topic for a simple chat.

I has been understanding enough that he is busy with his work. I do not demand for his full time attention on me either. I just want him to spend a little time to think what has gone wrong between us. I just want him to think what could be done to spice up the relationship.

The most sadness thing happened is that he made decision to go Angkor Wat with his friends without discuss with me before decision is made. Maybe this is not a big deal for him, but to me, it is. I had planned to go angkor wat with him. I had planned on roughly on the schedule on the trip though I not sure when we will be going there. I thought that we could explore the angkor wat together for the first time.

I missed the time he purposely to have dinner with me after work. I missed the time he purposely come to my office to send me home. I missed that he gave me flower when I throw temper on him for no reason. I missed the time he listen to me when I am unhappy. I missed the time he hold my hand. I missed the time he came to my house to watch movie and drama.

~*A Sad Saturday Night*~

I'm sad. Since I gained weight, I am not happy at all. I had lost self confident. I felt that people doesn't like me cause I don't have pretty appearance and I don't have the skinny type of body.

I am too sad to show my unhappiness to others. Maybe this is what I had trained myself to hide my unhappiness in front of people. I not sure whether I am truly happy when the time I am with my colleague on job. I seems to laugh a lot and sometimes joke with them too. The question comes again, am I truly happy? And again, I'm not certain with my answer.

I not sure if this become the problem in my relationship. Since I back from Cambodia, I felt something that make me feel uneasy. When I am away to Cambodia, my bf seems to be free to have his own activities with friends. When I am back to Malaysia, he seems like pretty busy with work. I am not suspecting him, but I just felt uneasy. I understand that the timing problem in between us long ago, but sometimes I just couldn't take it. I'm fine if both of us are busy with work. I also don't mind if he has outing with friend while I'm busy as I don't need to worry he is bored. I also being understanding when he is busy while I'm pretty free at home.

Actually, there is much more to sad about. I not sure how far he can go with me. When he was away to Romania, I could stay up late to wait for him online. I could even wake up early just to catch a chat with him. Though my hard work has failed but at least I did it.

When I was away to Cambodia, we were only 1 hour difference. I knew he will sleep early around 11pm to 12am. I tried my best to catch some chat with him but most of them I failed to appear online before he sleep. In my thought, why he couldn't do the same like what I had did for him? Then I think again, he is tired with his work. I am trying to be understanding but when I think again, am I not being tired in my work?

I understand that in a relationship, we are not suppose to compare who has given more and who has given less. I don't mind being the one who is always giving. All I want is his notification on my doing. I just want him to know how far I willing to give.

~*Lazy me lead to FATTY me*~

It has been a month I did not update my blog. Am I too busy to blog? No! I have the blogging time but I just got nothing to blog about. I still remember the old days I love to post some pictures and blog about the happening things around me.

Since I start working, my life seems like filled with a word - WORK. These days, I felt something uneasy and I felt unhappy in myself. I do not know why and I don't even able to tell the reason why I am unhappy.

But I clearly knew that there is something that hold me back from happiness. I had been gaining weight since I work. I am trying to loose weight day by day hoping there is a day I will become healthy and look nice.

I tried to diet with taking supplements (damn expensive!!) and without taking rice and flour. The result is good which I really loosed weight in just one week. This sounds amazing, right? But once I stop taking the supplements, and start to have rice and flour, I gain my weight. I am not only gain back what I had loosed but seems like double of it.

I felt myself filled with low self esteem and doesn't really love to see myself at the mirror. I am horrified to get myself stand on the weighing machine. Now I am not only facing the problem on my arms, tummy, tights but also face. I felt that I look no longer young like I had before. I can't make kawaii face when take pictures.

I doesn't know what I can do to make myself have the will to go for exercise. Maybe you all will think that I am lazy to do exercise. The answer is NO! I need a companian to do exercise with me. I am not talking about exercise at gym but at the park which doesn't need to pay a cent. Yes, I am in a budget for everything which I don't have the excess money for gym.

I know I need to control my diet. I tried to eat lesser rice and flour and taking more fruits and water. This happen to me when I am having buffet lunch at hotel. Back in Malaysia, I need to buy fruits and boil water which everything takes time and effort to do it. Yes, this sounds lazy to you. Okay, all I want is support. I am not talking bout mental support but physical support like get the fruits for me or when I do groceries, remind me to buy fruits.

I am just too upset to continue.

~*不安的夜晚*~

最近，有一种不安的感觉。

自上星期三开始，我觉得很不安心。从来，他不曾那么的温柔说电话。他也不曾那么的关心别人。星期三晚上，他约我吃晚餐。在等待食物的时候，他打了一通电话，相信是他的同事。他已很温柔并关心的语气问候对方为何没有约他和其他同事吃饭，然后也以很温柔的语气和对方说迟些往商谈。

我就是觉得很奇怪，因为他不曾那么的温柔和他的同事说电话。我懂，或许我想得太多。可是我很想知道那位同事到底是谁。为何他会那么的关心他？我懂，我想得太多了。可是，我真的很害怕他会离开我。我并不是不相信他，而是我对类似情况有恐惧感。

~*Independence*~

Had been busy lately because:

1. My friend visited me on last last weekend. Tired and tired..
2. Just got my car and had been driving to work. Tired and tired..
3. Went back hometown. I'm driving back.. So again.. Tired and tired..
4. Yesterday woke up early to settle my passport. Then dinner at night and back home around 10.30. Tired and tired..

Had been thinking lately that I'm like doing everything all by myself. Yes, this is independent.

Sometimes, when come to think about it, is it really good to be independent? I knew everyone would say "YES". But for me, I don't think being independent is really good. I think in my previous blog, I did mention that being independent will make people think that we are strong and capable to handle everything on my our own.

I used to be independent. Real independent that I do not need people help me to do anything including handling the household problem. This save a lot of trouble but I don't like it. I don't like the way people think that I'm independent, so they don't need to help me or care bout me.

In fact, I'm a girl. I love to be pampered and being treated like a girl. After I got my car, I felt like old times that doing everything on my own. There is this feeling that make me feel sad and unhappy. I not sure why and I doesn't know what to do to make myself happy again.

~*Moodless*~

Sad..

When I need opinion, there is none.

~*I Need VACATION*~

Yes, I want a break!!! I want to travel abroad!!!

If I can travel abroad to neighbour country is good enough for me. I wish I could have the chance to go Cambodia but I think it's unlikely to happen.

Someone said want to go to Bangkok by end of this year. You know, auditor where got free during end of the year. Time is a matter. Money is another matter. Haih~

Can someone sponsor me a vacation? LOL~

~*Frustrated*~

Today, I only realised that the current technology is not that great.

I actually wanted to draw a banker cheque from my saving account. I went to a branch nearby my house. I never ever draw a banker cheque before so I didn't know that I need to go back to the branch I open the saving account.

They actually can draw the cheque for me but up to a certain limit and my request already exceeded the limit. So after all the trouble, I can't draw the cheque I want from the bank.

I am so frustrated and angry. Frustrated as I didn't know I need to go to the service counter to request the form. After I completed the form, went to the counter only they told me I need to go back to the branch in Jln Raja Laut. Why can't they ask me first before give me the form? What's the point they have the service counter for? I am so frustrated.

Argh...

~*Oops! I Forgot to BLOG!!*~

Oops! I forgot to BLOG!!!

Yes.. I wanted to blog but I forgot.. LOL..

Today, on my way walking from office to LRT station, I was thinking "why I want to see my own blog via GPRS while I am the one who wrote it?" I just felt funny on myself.

Anyway, today I tried to surf my blog via GPRS (yes, still stupidly want to read my own blog for ?? satisfaction??). I couldn't open the page because... the image below is too large!! Yes, the error said that document too large to load.

Conclusion is my phone is not that amazing afterall. Yeah, a bit disappointed with my phone especailly when I always has dificulty in typing sms. The button for "space" is hard to press.

Everytime said want to change phone also never do so cause budget tight. Yeah, had been cutting down my expenses lately due to more liabilities in future! Hmm.. seems like the chances for this year vacation is slim.

~*Samsung E640*~

Since last month, I had been using GPRS via my handphone. I was amazed by my phone and I love my phone a lot. Though I am looking for a new phone but none could impress me yet.

I bought my phone in October 2005. I love the phone sleek design. That time, flip phone was on the heat. So, I couldn't resist to own one too. I bought the phone around RM1300. Though not much function it has but I was impressed by the camera.

I had been using the GPRS years back. But I found it not practical as I can't access to eBuddy and a lot of website that I prefer. Until last Friday, I tried to search some interesting website on my way back to Sri Petaling. When the pages load, I was "wow, since when my phone can access to those page??"

The moment that amazed me a lot is when I search my own blog. Yes, now I can read my own blog through my phone!

For more information about the phone, please visit here.

~*Bossie Talk*~

Today, secretary called me and asked me to see my boss immediately. I was shocked and nervous as I doesn't think my position need to deal with boss.

When I walked to his room, he took out the yellow papers. Then I knew that it is for my assessment. All the while, my assessment was done by the seniors so I didn't expect to be assessed by my boss.

However, my boss didn't give me the hard time but he kept on encourage me and ask me to think positive. Well, to be honest, I felt myself changing. Last time, I used to be upset with my job. I felt dissatisfied and unfair from the firm. Slowly, I developed positive thinking and make a change on myself which make me happier in my job. Also, I getting love to do what I am doing.

Well, those advices from my boss are look forward and do the things that can make a change/influence. He adviced that don't do the things that we can't change it. I felt these words are wise and I will remember it. I think he is a great motivator and leader who sees employees as assets.

The assessment last for 1 hour which I didn't expect it could be this long. Anyway, I had a nice chat with him.

~*Unhappie*~

I am unhappy because:

1. I am not doing my best
2. My performance is not up to expectation
3. To be filled by you!

Haih~ Just unhappy since this morning.. :(

~*Being Scolded for No Reason*~

Today, I received a call from a recruitement company.

This recruitement company was earlier the one who found a job as internal auditor for me. Though the company offer a good pay but I rejected the offer. Then, Mr. H who is in charge on my case did called me after my rejection on the offer. I remembered that I told him I am not looking for a job anymore.

Today, another guy from this same recruitement firm called me up. He is keen in talking and keep on talking and talking. When he asked me a question on which type of company (commercial or audit firm) that I am looking for. I talk him that I am not looking for job already. Then he was like got mad and said that if I not looking for job why do I go for interview and all. He also said that I am wasting their time too.

After I listen all this, he put down the phone. I was like, what is this? I did told them earlier I am not looking for job. Who the hell they are bother to call me up and do all this shit? It sounds like I asking them to find a job for me. I am very angry but I can't do a thing. Argh...

~*The Brain is not Working*~

Lately, there is a lot of things appear in my mind. Though there is certain issues being resolved, but I just can't help to rethink them.


Issue 1:
I had been thinking of resignation for about more than 1 year. I got some good offers and finally I turned down the offers. I knew that I rejected the offer just because I love my job and I love to stay in audit field. But, I just can't help that I love to seek for job and look for better opportunity. I don't know why but I think it's not the time for me to leave my current job.

I just felt that I'm battle-ing with myself. I knew that I got unfair treatment from my current job but I just can't leave my current job not due to the bond or anything. I think most likely I am in the comfort zone and I used to be in the firm for 2 years


Issue 2:
My firm offered me an extension on the contract for ACCA study. I decided to do it on my own and doesn't want to have another contract with the firm. I rejected the offered and I'm pretty sure bout my decision.

But now, I felt that I want to take up the offer.


Issue 3
I decided to choose gold colour for my Myvi. Again.. now I felt that gold colour is not really looking good and I am thinking to change the colour. But I think it is impossible to do so.

Is it so hard for me to make my decision firm? It seems like this is not the first time I am like that, it has been a while. I need advice and I need guidance but there is no where to be found. Though I had spoke to my mom and my brother regarding the job related issues, but I still couldn't make up my mind.


Sometimes I just feel like talking to people about my problem but.. who are the people that willing to listen to me? who are the people that qualify to give me a better solution? who are the people that will always my my site?

~*Mint is BACK!!!*~

I just has the weird feeling that... I want to blog.. So, I'm back..

There is nothing interesting for me to blog about.. So this blog is more like a place for me to rant about everything..